Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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