i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
