A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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