i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I am midnight drunk by noon
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
