stop calling my apartment porn island.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
