I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
