i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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