Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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