i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
