did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
