remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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