I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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