I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
