saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
