I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
