pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
