You made me cry and you don't even care
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
