Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
