is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
