I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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