Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This house was built for laser tag.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
