Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
