I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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