She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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