Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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