you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
