I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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