Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
