i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
