If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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