At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
