I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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