i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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