I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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