Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
