It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
