He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
