theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
