I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
