Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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