I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
