I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
