I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
