Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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