you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
