I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
