does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
