and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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