I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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