ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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